It is normal for siblings to compete for their parents’ attention and time. Unfortunately, children may use inappropriate behaviors like whining, tattling, fighting and arguing to belittle or “one-up” their brother or sister. When it comes to a parent’s attention and time, kids want to know, “Who’s on first?”
Many parents have shared with me, in our Common Sense Parenting classes, their feelings of concern about sibling rivalry. Parents worry when the new baby has arrived that the older sibling feels left out even though mom and dad try to make him or her feel included. Other parents with school-age children say they get frustrated by their children’s constant battling and bickering over the very thing they are willing to freely give -- their love. Most parents admit there is a limit of the time and attention they can give children each day and this is where things get complicated.
Parents ask:
How much time should I give to each child? Every child is different, some kids will just want a little of your time while others want to be around you every moment. Spending more time isn’t necessarily better. It’s what you do with the time that counts. You could spend 5-minutes, one-on-one with a child doing something he likes and it would mean more than an hour with him doing something in a group. In this case, quality and quantity can work together. Having short but exclusive time with your kids may make him feel like he is special to you.
What should parents do when they have a child who is an attention hog? Children who crave attention are telling us two things; 1) they like being around us and 2) they are willing to do anything to get the time and attention they want. As parents we want to make sure that we only give attention for good behavior. When our little attention hog is doing something irritating, completely ignoring him could stop the problem. However, if your child is doing something harmful or repeatedly breaking a rule calmly, immediately and swiftly correct him with little fanfare as possible.
How can parents avoid feeling overwhelmed when they have more than one child? You can try to make short 5-minute dates with each child every other hour during the times children have the most difficulty getting along. Do simple things like five minute dates for younger children: pushing child on the swing; help rake the leaves, rock in a chair. For older kids a mini date might be a soda after school, five minute computer game or bedside chat. Be sure to make the date for only one child at a time. Use a timer to keep track of the date, when it should start and finish. Remind your child another special date will be coming up. Also remind kids they lose date time when they bicker or interrupt another child’s date.
Of course, I am not able to answer every question you have on giving children your attention and spending time with them but, here are five quick tips to lessen problem behaviors between siblings so you will want to spend more time with your children.
- Daily Routines: Simple and consistent routines give children a sense of stability, safety and identity especially when some things has changed in the home like getting a new brother or sister. Also, having a schedule reduces idle time when kids often get into trouble. Prompt your kids using a timer of what is coming up on the schedule so they can quickly transition.
- Daily Responsibilities: Help your children feel like they are part of the family by giving them a household responsibility. The responsibility could be something small for a young child such dust busting the sofa or being on towel patrol in the bathroom. While older kids can help you with various household chores. Giving kids responsibilities around the house will free you up to have more time to spend with them. Spending time doing fun things together should be a main motivation for you and your children when it comes to getting chores done.
- Use Rewards: Make getting along with sibling worth your child’s effort. Use the things she likes to do as rewards. These should be things that don’t cost money and can be done in a short period of time. Ask your children to help you make their own personal reward list (draw or write it out). Each time you catch them getting along use praise and/or a reward to encourage them.
- Use Punishment: A simple and affect negative consequence for a child who does an unkind or disrespectful behavior toward their sibling is to have him do several kind and/or considerate things for their sibling. For example, if a child hits their little brother because he stuck out his tongue at him you could have both children do three considerate (give up snack or date time with each other) or cooperative things (work to pick up toys, fold a load of laundry together) for each other as away to show they can get along.
- Enlist Help: Partners can take turns at different times of the day being with their children. Allowing the other person time to regroup away from the children may help them feel more refreshed and capable. If there isn’t a co-parent to call on in the home enlist extend family and good friends to give you a break. Also, make a rule for kids, not interrupt mom or dad‘s 30 minute alone time. Reward the kids when they respect the rule. This rule is especially helpful when you first get home after work. Children may start vying for your attention right at the door
With all of this in mind, remember it is normal for siblings to compete for their parents’ attentions and time. However, now you have some strategies to use when your children use inappropriate behaviors to get your attention.
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Boys Town Center for Adolescent and Family Spirituality
We’ve all read the headlines: “25-Year-Old Teacher Runs Away with Student.”
Most of us think it could never happen to our kids and our families. But it is happening, all acrossAmerica, from coast to coast and border to border.
What can parents do to keep their kids safe at school?
First, we must all remember that our children’s teachers really are acting as our “stand-ins” when they are with our kids at school. That means that although teachers don’t have all the same rights and responsibilities as parents, they should act with “parental-style” boundaries toward our kids. A teacher’s first priority is the total health and safety of the students in his or her care. This includes not only their physical health, but also their emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual well-being.
Teachers are not there to be students’ friends. They are there to instruct, give grades and consequences, and provide safety. The vast, vast majority of teachers are compassionate and dedicated professionals who would never harm a child. But there are teachers who have poor boundaries. They may care too much about being popular with students. They may fall into the trap of being a “friend” instead of just being “friendly.” Unfortunately, acting like a child’s peer instead of like a child’s teacher is one of the opening tactics of an abuser. Here are some warning signs of potential trouble:
- A teacher spends time alone (no other adults are present) with one student or a group of students.
- A teacher buys gifts for and pays exclusive attention to just one student or a special group of students.
- A teacher talks, dresses, and acts like students.
- A teacher discusses his or her personal life with or in front of students.
- A teacher asks a student inappropriate personal or sexual questions.
- A teacher instant messages, texts, or calls students without notifying parents.
- A teacher has no friends among his or her peers.
None of these signs mean for sure that a predator is at work. In fact, these situations usually are the result of poor or immature judgment, and things do improve with some discussion and solid direction. However, if you do notice any of these red flags, here are the next steps you should take:
- Write down your concerns, as well as specific descriptions of what you saw or heard. Include specific dates and times if possible.
- Ask to talk with a school administrator. Stay calm, describe your concerns, and ask the administrator to let you know of any action taken.
- Talk to your child about what happened and how he or she felt about it. Was your child scared, worried, concerned, or confused? Share this information with the school administrator.
Remember, no one knows your child like you do and no one loves your child as much as you do. The best protection we can offer our children is our faithful involvement in their education and a solid awareness of the adults to whom we entrust them.
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Your child is affected by peer pressure from the first time he or she plays with siblings or other children. You can't make peer pressure go away, but you can teach your child how to deal with it.
Although we often think of peer pressure as bad, it is possible for your children's friends to influence them in positive ways. Here are some ways to help your children resist negative peer pressure:
Develop a good relationship.
The stronger your relationship is with your children, the less likely they are to follow bad examples.
Teach your children to think when others try to get them to do something.
Your children should ask themselves questions like: Is it wrong? Why do they want me to do it? Is it illegal? Why am I tempted to go along? Am I afraid that they will laugh at me?
Teach your children to decide for themselves whether something is right or wrong, helpful or harmful.
Bring up examples of situations they may be in; then explore what might happen if they respond a certain way. Let them think about the consequences of their actions. If they have an uneasy feeling, something is probably wrong.
Sometimes children just need help getting away from a bad situation. Provide them with some responses they can use to resist peer pressure.
Encourage them to avoid giving an immediate "Yes" or "No" answer when friends want them to do something questionable. They can buy time to make a good decision by saying, "Maybe later," or "I'll wait and see." Let them use you as an excuse: "I will be grounded forever if I try that."
Practice situations with your children, trying various responses that they are comfortable saying.
Let them play themselves and the peer when you practice. Ask your child what gives him or her trouble when faced with a tough decision, and incorporate that in the practice. Use it to help your children build confidence in their ability to say "No."
Have your child practice the following steps to resist peer pressure:
- Look at the person.
- Use a calm voice.
- Say clearly that you do not want to engage in that activity.
- Suggest another activity. Give a reason.
- If the person tries to convince you, keep saying "No."
- Leave or ask the person to leave.
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| Boys Town Behavioral Health Services The first step in toilet training is to make sure both you and your child are ready. Okay, I realize no one is ever really totally ready for toilet training. But your child should be at least developmentally and behaviorally ready. That means your heretofore untrained child should be at least 2 years old and be able to do such things as walk from room to room, raise and lower his or her own pants, sit independently, and follow a few one-step commands without raising a big fuss.
Children also should have some awareness of the need to urinate. So if they’re acting like they have ants in their pants but don’t, that’s usually a good sign they know, on some level, that they need to go. They should show the need only about five or six times a day. Your home life also should be fairly stable at this time (e.g., no home construction going on, in-laws who stay more than three days, major marital disputes, or other distractions).
Next, get a potty chair. Or, if you choose not to use a potty chair, get a stool your child can use while on the toilet. If you want to know why this is necessary, I suggest you try having a bowel movement while your feet are dangling above the bathroom floor. Much will be made clear to you. Comfort is a commodity that is hard to overrate when the task at hand involves having a bowel movement (regardless of the age of the bowel mover), and it’s hard to be comfortable when the person engaging in that task does not have good support for his or her feet. You also might consider purchasing an adaptor for the toilet seat that makes the seat child sized. One new adaptor on the market even has a stepladder attached. It is a relatively easy way for children to move up in the world.
Parents often are worried that their child will be afraid of falling in the toilet. There are no factual accounts of children (or adults) falling in. No one has ever admitted falling in. No one knows of someone who has fallen in. But the fear survives, resistant to history, facts, and outright logic. Let’s deal with it this way: It’s a parent fear, not a child fear (at least until it spreads from the parent to the child; it’s a very catchy fear). So it’s good to suppress this fear and remember that children are actually naturally curious about the toilet. They also usually enjoy flushing it over and over, which can lead to a different and more realistic fear for parents. Also, be aware that long after your child is toilet trained, daytime wetting and soiling accidents will happen from time to time – and that’s the good news. The bad news is that bedwetting accidents are common all the way up to age 7, especially in boys. These continued accidents are merely God’s way of reminding you that procreative activity (i.e., sex) was supposed to be about having children and not having fun. They also can provide just the right amount of humility for your child. It’s hard to be too full of yourself when your pants are full of poop. If accidents do become a frequent problem, you should probably ask your child’s doctor about them. In general, try and remember that a child who is learning to use the toilet has to master many different skills and success does not come all at once. So give your child time and expect some accidents. After all, wouldn’t you rather be surprised than disappointed? Finally, try to remain calm and patient.
Now let’s get down to business. The letter P will figure powerfully in our plan. In fact, let’s call it:
The Seven P Potty Problem Prevention Plan
- Parent modeling. Frequently allow your child to go with either you or your spouse to the bathroom. It’s like anything else; a smart kid can learn a lot by watching an expert. If you have some modesty about this, please park it for a while. After all, its just you and your child, and both of you have seen all there is to see, so to speak.
- Potty chair. Give your child a chance to get used to and comfortable with the potty chair. Set it out and let your child sit on it, name it, put stickers on it, and pound his or her brother or sister for trying to sit on it.
- Practice. Let your child practice using the potty chair. This practice should be "play" practice, with clothes on. Just remember to be prepared for what you might call “method acting.” In theatre, method acting involves actors actually experiencing the emotion they are trying to portray in the performance. In potty training, method acting involves actually eliminating during practice. True, there will be a mess, but hey, you’ve seen hundreds just like it and this one is a sign of good things to come. The next part may be difficult for some dads, but it’s only temporary, trust me. In the beginning, boys should be trained to sit on the potty chair or the toilet, for two reasons. First, sitting encourages bowel movements and so you might get a “twofer,” which is a bowel movement and urination during the same sitting. Second, sitting will help avoid what one might call the “garden hose” effect. Untrained boys have not yet had to stand, urinate, and aim all at the same time and may (will) accidentally spray the room (missing the potty or the toilet). So, if you can stand it, so to speak, boys should sit. Later, when toilet training is well established, they can stand.
- Pampers and Pull-ups. Unfortunately for your child (but fortunately for your budget), to make the program work, your child must go “cold turkey” on Pampers and Pull-ups, except at bedtime. (Daytime and nighttime training programs should be separate, and while you are working on daytime training, it is fine to keep kids in Pampers or Pull-ups at night.) The reason for the cold-turkey approach is simple: Pampers and Pull-ups are actually wearable toilets, and your child is unlikely to see much need for using the one in your home when he or she can much more easily use the one he or she is wearing.
- Prompting (Tell, don’t ask). As discussed in P #3, practice is important. Unfortunately, its importance will be much more apparent to you than to your child. In fact, let’s tell it like it is – he or she could probably care less. So you will need to prompt your child to go to the bathroom and sit for a few minutes multiple times a day. Tell, don’t ask. Asking very young children if they have to go to the bathroom is sort of like enrolling them in lying school. They will routinely say no, even if they are about to burst. But look at it from their point of view. When we ask, what children actually hear is something like, “Would you like to go and sit on a large, cold porcelain receptacle that is full of potty water and into which mommy and daddy are afraid you might fall?” You can see how the logical answer to this question is “no.” So instead of asking, just tell them it is time to go and then take them and have them sit. Then refer to P #6.
- Praise. MCs at concerts often say something like, “Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for (name of the star, band, or act)” when urging a crowd to show its approval and excitement. Well, in a sense, I am the MC for toilet training, and I want to urge you to give it up for your little trainee. In the early stages of a training program, toileting behaviors are like little sprouts in a spring garden: Both need something to help them grow. For little sprouts, its water and fertilizer (so to speak). For toileting behaviors, praise and approval are the water and fertilizer that help them grow and blossom. So come on and give it up for the little poopers and pee-ers. Said differently, every time your child does any toileting behavior correctly – pulls down his or her pants, sits on the potty, whatever – be sure to praise him or her. Do this even when your child is having more accidents than successes. Remember, as children enter into the training phase, the training is likely to be way more important to you than it is to them. But if they get the idea that pooping and peeing into the potty is a way for them to get their names in lights, the importance of training will quickly increase for them, along with their cooperation. You can take this a step further and use rewards. One method I often use is to wrap little items – stickers, tiny toys, beads, gum, etc. – in tin foil and put them in jar near the bathroom. When the child achieves a success at any level, he or she gets to grab one prize (not one handful) from the jar. Praise and rewards make the training experience fulfilling, and make it more likely that children will repeat the positive toilet behaviors.
- Postpone. Here in P #7 we have some really good news. You can always postpone. You can always put them back in Pampers or Pull-ups, declare a moratorium on any discussion about toileting for a few weeks or even months, and then start again. They will ultimately be motivated to be trained, possibly by something other than your prompting. For example, the rules of social life in childhood weigh heavily against toileting accidents in school-aged kids. In fact, research shows that having an accident in school is the third greatest child fear, behind the death of a parent and going blind. (And I know that high school kids frown on their peers who wear Pampers or Pull-ups.) So the point of P #7is that if training is going badly, for whatever reason, you can use the time-honored method for winning a war that is being lost – declare victory and retreat.
Summary
- Wait until your child is at least 2 years old.
- Frequently allow your child to watch you go to the bathroom.
- Make sure both you and your child are ready.
- Let your child practice on a potty chair, with clothes on.
- Prompt your child – tell, don’t ask
- Postpone toilet training for a few weeks if it isn't going well or if you are getting tense about it.
- Expect accidents.
- If your child has a lot of accidents or if you must use intensive toilet training, ask your health care provider for the guidelines on positive practice.
- Praise your child every time he or she does any part of toileting behavior correctly.
Recommended Reading
Berk, L.B., & Friman, P.C. (1990). Epidemiologic aspects of toilet training. Clinical Pediatrics, 29,278-282.
Christophersen, E.R., & Friman, P.C. (2004). Elimination disorders. In R. Brown (Ed.), Handbook of pediatric psychology in school settings (pp. 467-488). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.
Friman, P.C. (2003). Encopresis. In W. Odonohue, S. Hayes, and J. Fisher (Eds.), Empirically supported techniques of cognitive behavior therapy (pp. 51-58). New York: Wiley.
Friman, P.C., & Jones, K.M. (2005). Behavioral treatment for nocturnal enuresis. Journal of Early and Intensive Behavioral Intervention, 2, 259-267.
Friman, P.C., Hofstadter, K.L., & Jones, K.M. (2006). A biobehavioral approach to the treatment of functional encopresis in children. Journal of Early and Intensive Behavioral Interventions, 3, 263-272.
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